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  1. #1
    Premium Member AMPERAGE's Avatar
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    Windows 7 Review - Hilarious


    Quote Originally Posted by Windows 7 Review
    A Review of the Pirated Copy of Windows 7 I Bought On eBay
    Quote Originally Posted by Windows 7 Review

    The official release of Windows 7 is only a few weeks away, and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably asking yourself what effect this will have on your lives. Will the gates of Heaven open up and a consort of large breasted angels descend to guide you into computing heaven? Or will it be more of a low key affair, maybe involving the cast of Friends and a degrading video?

    So I decided to apply my powerful brain to the problem, and find out what Windows 7 would mean for you, the average user. With only pre-release versions and betas available for download, to get a copy of the actual release version, I had to turn to eBay, where leaked copies have shown up recently. $150 and two days later, a package of bubble wrapped, technological delights arrived on my doorstep. I giddily tore open the packaging to reveal the contents.


    Son. Of. A. Bitch.

    Also included, but not pictured, was a small note from the seller, making some pretty inflammatory claims about my mental capacity. I took the matter up with eBay Fraud Protection, but they had similarly unkind things to say about my Internet savvy, only they used longer words. So, my attempts to get my money back from UR_a_Ediot67 were at a standstill. Unfortunately, I still had a column to produce, and as “23 Reasons Punching a Wall Really Hurts” didn’t have the sort of broad appeal I normally like to include in my articles, I decided to plow ahead with my original plan. So below I present my review of “Windows 7.”

    Installation
    Very difficult. The install for Windows 7 comes on four floppy disks, and as my laptop doesn’t have a floppy drive, I was worried I’d have to travel 10 years into the past to find a computer that did. Fortunately, my local Best Buy was offering a USB floppy drive for $80, which, not withstanding certain recent software purchases, struck me as the greatest ripoff the world has ever seen. I’d advise anyone wanting to install Windows 7 on their own machine should make sure their hardware can support it.

    After that rocky start, the rest of the installation went relatively smooth, although I had to fiddle with the BIOS settings to get the floppy to boot. I chose to install all the options, including something called Microsoft Fax, simply because it sounded ****ing amazing. After the install, the computer rebooted without incident, and I was up and running.



    Hardware Support
    Terrible. I don’t have any particular exotic hardware on my system, but Windows 7 still struggled to find drivers for basically everything. Screen resolution was limited to 640 x 480, and my external mouse didn’t work because apparently Windows 7 doesn’t have USB support. Bizarre. I’ll spare you the details of what I had to do to get the wireless working, but let’s just say it involved 27 hours of crying.



    Included Software
    Windows 7 comes packaged with Internet Explorer 2.0, which I will admit to being a little disappointed with. It can render text and images however, which if you think about it, is probably the most important 40 percent of the Internet anyways.



    Set Up The Microsoft Network
    Right in the desktop was a link to something called “The Microsoft Network” which the instruction manual promised would provide the unheard of ability to use chat rooms or check the weather. Unfortunately, the set up didn’t seem to work–it evidently requires a phone line to work, and I don’t actually have one of those. So be advised that to fully utilize Windows 7, and experience all of its weather checking glory, you’ll require some pretty specialized telecom equipment.



    Long File Names
    While checking the manual, I noticed that it also promised that Windows 7 would be able to handle long file names. I honestly didn’t know we were limited before, but I guess this isn’t a bad thing.



    My Briefcase
    This is a little synchronization tool that lets you keep files in sync across multiple computers when transferring files by floppy. I don’t have any other computers with a floppy drive, so couldn’t test it out, but I guess this would be a useful tool for the Amish.

    Start Button
    The classic Windows Start button is back, and it works pretty much the same as you’re used to. You click it, and a list of programs comes up in a branching menu. If you can’t figure that out, no amount of Matthew Perry videos will help you.



    Taskbar
    The venerable old taskbar is back in Windows 7, looking a little retro, but otherwise in good shape. Definitely a “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it” situation here. Curiously, the useful Quick Launch bar seems to have disappeared. I guess with limited room on the floppies, space had to be made for the popular Microsoft Fax.



    Windows Explorer
    I was very disappointed with this. The improvements made to the most recent version of Explorer were one of the bright points of the whole Vista debacle. The version on display here in Windows 7 is remarkably spartan, lacking many features users look for, like thumbnail previews or frequently used shortcuts. I think Microsoft definitely crapped the bed on this one.



    Multitasking
    I was very impressed here. To test performance, I ran a stress test consisting of a word document, two Internet Explorer windows and Minesweeper. Everything worked pretty smoothly.



    Stability
    Terrible. Possibly related to the previously mentioned hardware difficulties, I found stability to be a real issue with Windows 7. Crashes were frequent, including Blue Screens of Death. Error messages were cryptic and meaningless to me – see below.



    Overall
    In general I was highly disappointed with Windows 7. Although performance has improved since Vista, major features appear to have been lopped off the OS to meet these performance marks. Additionally, the hardware incompatibility and stability issues that have long plagued Microsoft OS releases appear to back in full force. Unless you’re one of those deviants who always has to have the latest OS, or have very specialized faxing needs, I’d strongly recommend avoiding Windows 7 until at least the first Service Pack is released.

    Two stars.

    **
    Enjoy.
    AMPERAGE

  2. #2
    PA Janitor Bob's Avatar
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    lol. Oh dear.

  3. #3
    Silver Member PreludeTAS's Avatar
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    lol. Awesome. Poor bloke.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Veilside's Avatar
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    hahahaha, windows 7 beta is really good according to my dad (ex IT) vista is just rubbish, his other sentiment.... in words not able to be repeated of coarse.
    Quote Originally Posted by Pacman View Post
    +1 it's stiffness that counts. Not Diameter. At least thats what the wife tells me.
    (not sure she knows that much about cars though)

  5. #5
    Regular Member renchy's Avatar
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    why doesn't my win7 look like that? mines all crappy and new looking, none of those awesome retro taskbar wonders...

    te he he. this was a good read.

  6. #6
    Gold Member hiru's Avatar
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    lol...

    i dont see why everyone hates on vista.... got a bootleg copy of 7 but waiting till after exams to run it coz I'm afraid i might loose all my semester's work!

    everyone seems to be raving about windows 7, from what i hear microsoft finally got it all right (or close too)

  7. #7
    Silver Member Seismic's Avatar
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    Classic! I couldn't count how many times I've thought about throwing Windows 3.11 on a quad-core system to see how many milliseconds it would take to boot
    The path of Honda is beset on all sides by the iniquities of Mazda and the tyranny of Nissan. Blessed is the Honda owner who in the name of handling and performance shepherds his Honda through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his Honda's keeper and the finder of lost kilowatts. And I will strike down upon thee with great acceleration and furious VTEC those who attempt to overtake and destroy my Hondas. And you will know my name is PRELUDE when I lay my VTEC upon thee.


  8. #8
    Gold Member hiru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seismic View Post
    Classic! I couldn't count how many times I've thought about throwing Windows 3.11 on a quad-core system to see how many milliseconds it would take to boot
    haha i remember that back in the day! completely forgot about it! was there ever a 4,5 or 6?

  9. #9
    Silver Member PJF_Lude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hiru View Post
    haha i remember that back in the day! completely forgot about it! was there ever a 4,5 or 6?
    win95, win98, winme was windows 4
    winxp is windows 5
    win vista is windows 6

    just curious, does anyone else have the windows 95 install floppies, or am i the only one who keeps crap like that?
    Last edited by PJF_Lude; 7th October 2009 at 07:22 PM.
    ~Ian~

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  10. #10
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    NT = 4, 2k/XP = 5.0-5.2, Vista = 6. Win 7 = 6.1 (guess they rounded up?)

  11. #11
    PA Janitor Bob's Avatar
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    Point is they haven't got one right yet!

    XP was about the closest they got so far but its too restrictive on hardware capacity.

    Although 7 is supposed to fix the bugs in Vista its still not as quick as XP.

    Sigh!!!!

  12. #12
    Regular Member renchy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob View Post
    Point is they haven't got one right yet!

    XP was about the closest they got so far but its too restrictive on hardware capacity.

    Although 7 is supposed to fix the bugs in Vista its still not as quick as XP.

    Sigh!!!!
    although win7 might not be as quick as XP (i dunno, it's pretty damn close), with the standards of hardware being so much better now as compared to back when XP was first launched, it runs a lot better in comparison. I suppose I'm trying to say that if you have a computer you bought in the last year or two, it will most likely run win7 quicker than a brand spanker on the day that XP came out ran XP.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Scotty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PJF_Lude View Post
    win95, win98, winme was windows 4
    winxp is windows 5
    win vista is windows 6

    just curious, does anyone else have the windows 95 install floppies, or am i the only one who keeps crap like that?
    I've still got mine.

    Then again I still have my original Amiga OS disks as well.....I just can't throw things out that still work fine

  14. #14
    Silver Member Seismic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scotty View Post
    I've still got mine.

    Then again I still have my original Amiga OS disks as well.....I just can't throw things out that still work fine
    Ha! The Amiga Workbench ... what version(s) Scotty? Did you run an A500 A1000 or the A2000?

    I too still have MSDOS 6.22, Win 3.11, 95, 98, 98SE, 2000, XP, Vista etc + Office 95 on 45 floppies!
    The path of Honda is beset on all sides by the iniquities of Mazda and the tyranny of Nissan. Blessed is the Honda owner who in the name of handling and performance shepherds his Honda through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his Honda's keeper and the finder of lost kilowatts. And I will strike down upon thee with great acceleration and furious VTEC those who attempt to overtake and destroy my Hondas. And you will know my name is PRELUDE when I lay my VTEC upon thee.


  15. #15
    Regular Member Jarik's Avatar
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    All Windows so far have been fairly rubbish until the release of SP1. Simply because Microsoft kept releasing buggy software before they really should've.

    From what I've heard though, Windows 7 is fairly stable out of the box. I've also heard nothing but good things. Remember that part of the slowness of the operating system is the support for legacy...everything. Every new version comes out with new stuff, but has to support the older stuff too. That does make a difference.

    Though I've heard Windows 7 actually changes a lot of the backend to XP (while Vista as just a facelift). I haven't really read too much into it, but stuff like changes to the kernel, the way it handles various drivers (I heard they even have Windows Media Player running in its own codec enviroment too!) and all that. I need to get myself a copy sometime.

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