Page 3 of 9 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 45 of 129
  1. #31
    Junior Member Juiced boi's Avatar
    Generation
    4th Gen
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    New South Wales
    Posts
    134
    LoL i found this quite funny. not sure bout u guys
    ----------------------------
    Jesus said "come forth and receive eternal life"..
    I came third and won a toaster
    ----------------------------
    =) enjoy.

  2. #32
    Senior Member -alex-'s Avatar
    Generation
    Non Honda
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Australian Capital Territory
    Posts
    737
    Probably not much of a joke, but Im bored so too bad for you!



    Next time your having a bad day, imagine this..


    You are a simese twin....


    Your brother is attatched to your shoulder...


    He is gay...


    You are not..


    He has a date comming over tonight....


    You only have one arse...

  3. #33
    Robert Taylor
    Guest
    How dare you fart before my wife!
    Sorry:I didn't no it was her turn.lol

  4. #34
    Gold Member hiru's Avatar
    Generation
    Other Honda
    Model
    Si 4ws
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    3,231
    haha but how is that joke dirty? its clearly not? or is it? o.0

    A joke about the smart blonde. What i hear you say? a smart blonde??

    Before going to Europe on business, a blonde drives her Ferrari to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Ferrari," the blonde says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the blonde the $5,000. Two weeks later, the blonde walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up her loan and get her car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The blonde writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, madam," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The blonde smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Ferrari in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
    Last edited by hiru; 5th June 2008 at 03:08 PM.

  5. #35
    PA Resident brash's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTi-R
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    4,177
    They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

    'There's something wrong with my d!ck,' he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

    'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


    The waiting room erupted in laughter

  6. #36
    Senior Member Dulcinea's Avatar
    Generation
    Other Honda
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    693
    my dad just told me a terrible joke, thought i'd share it with you all.

    a husband comes home late one night, very drunk. the wife points to a lipstick stain on his collar and asks 'who have you been kissing'. the husband replies 'no one, i wiped my dick with the shirt'.

  7. #37
    PA Resident brash's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTi-R
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    4,177
    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.' After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of
    legs!'
    To which the nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would
    have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

  8. #38
    PA Resident brash's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTi-R
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    4,177
    According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

    He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

  9. #39
    Senior Member vtectrap's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTIR
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    New South Wales
    Posts
    557
    The Sanity Check
    A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how it was decided which patients should be kept in and which were ready to be discharged.

    The director said: ”Well, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub”.

    The visitor said, “Oh, I see, and of course a normal person would chose the bucket because it’s the biggest”.

    The director said: “No! A normal person would pull the plug out.”

    “Would you like a bed near the window?”








    The Late Night Caller
    A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

    I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.

    However, a louder knock follows.

    “Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.


    Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.

    “Hey mate,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push please?”

    “You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.

    He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

    “That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help? What would have happened if they had refused us?”

    “OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere. So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”

    In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”

    Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

    “Over here, on the swings.”






    Caught in the Act
    A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

    Suddenly, just as they are reaching the climax, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, “Oh God! My husband is home early. Quick, go and hide in the bathroom!”

    The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you in bed and naked in the middle of the afternoon?” he asks suspiciously.

    The woman smiles and says sweetly, “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!”

    “Ah, Ok then,” the husband replies, “but I must use the bathroom first.”

    Before his wife can stop him, he opens the bathroom door and is greeted by the naked man standing there clapping his hands.

    “Who the hell are you!” the husband asks.

    “I’m from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with.”

    The husband, almost purple with rage, exclaims, “Then why you are naked!”

    The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, “Those little bastards!”






    Freddy walks into the pub with an enormous smile on his face.

    His mates ask him why he is so pleased with himself.

    “You lot will not believe what happened to me last night!”, Freddy replied.

    “When we left the pub, instead of the way I usually walk home, I cut across the railway to get home a bit quicker, I’d had a good drink after all.”

    “Well there was this girl tied to the tracks, so I untied her and took her home with me”

    “What happened then?” His mates demanded.

    “Well I had sex with her all night until I was exhausted. I had her on the sofa, I had her on the kitchen table and then I took her to bed with me and carried on some more”.

    “You lucky bastard”, said one of his mates, “did you get a blow job?

    “No”, He said “I never found her head”









    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.

    “You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

    “Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

    “That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

    “Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

    “Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

  10. #40
    Junior Member Juiced boi's Avatar
    Generation
    4th Gen
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    New South Wales
    Posts
    134
    What white with a black asshole?








    The A Team!!!

    =)



    (no racism was intended in the making of this joke) lol

  11. #41
    PA Resident brash's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTi-R
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    4,177
    A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door in disgust.

    The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

    Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......
    "Yes" she says......

    The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

  12. #42
    Silver Member Jas's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTEC
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    1,618
    Friends are like butt cheeks.
    Crap might separate them,
    But they always come back together.




    New use for Windex



    I haven't checked to see if this actually works or not ;

    But they say,

    If you ever get the sudden


    urge to run around naked,

    you should drink some Windex first.




    I t'll keep you from streaking.
    PIMPOLGY

    GLOWRIDAZ

  13. #43
    Regular Member mr prelude's Avatar
    Generation
    3rd Gen
    Model
    Si 4ws
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Queensland
    Posts
    361
    wat did baby corn say to mother corn????????..........where is popcorn....blah ha ha ha

  14. #44
    Senior Member Gaz's Avatar
    Generation
    5th Gen
    Model
    VTEC
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    New South Wales
    Posts
    674
    just got this in an email from a mate.

    Chili-Cook Off's


    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
    this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so accepted and became Judge #3.'

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    Chili #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
    Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild.
    Judge #3 (Frank)-Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.....
    Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.....
    Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

    Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
    Judge #1 Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac????





    Chili #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
    Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    Chili #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
    Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic! Superb
    Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.....
    Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.....
    Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
    Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
    sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili????
    Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by peejayy View Post
    if ya want to be different go buy a citroen or some shit.

  15. #45
    Mugenator skinnyboy's Avatar
    Generation
    4th Gen
    Model
    Hybrid S and VTiR
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    3,036
    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. The next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

    The Sarge says 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

    'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

    The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef..... He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is...

    The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

    'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

    'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here, well, we get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....


Similar Threads

  1. Official BB Squad Thread
    By 95DarkspeedVTEC in forum General Prelude Discussion
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 6th March 2005, 04:50 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •