The Official Jokes Thread

[Bob]

Post em up. I'm sure you guys have a few to share.

Any objectionable material may be deleted with out notice or explanation. Don't be offended at its removal.

[Bob]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box "

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,

and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.

Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.

Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues: Man:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,

many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking .

We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

[brash]

I got a cricket joke for youse...ENGLAND!

[IainLovesHisLude]

An Irishman walks out of a pub...

[Luder88]

My friend got this the other day via SMS.

This guy hooks up with this chick at a bar.

After a while they leave the bar and head straight home to her place.

They start shagging(the guy is on top) for a while then he gradually looks up and on the
table is a picture of a man.

He asks, "Hey babe, is that your husband?"

She replies, "No, I'm not married."

He then questions her again, "Then is he your boyfriend?"

Finally she answers, "Baby... that was me 2 years ago!"

[daimonson1024]

Whats the difference between a ferrari and a prostitute?



You wont find a ferarri in my garage



And


How many emo's does it take to build a bridge??


NONE! Crying little faggots cant get over anything.

[94_Lude_Dan]

How many blonde jokes are there?

NONE there all true

[daimonson1024]

HAHA if u want blonde jokes, i can suffice


Whats the difference between a blonde and a 747??

Not everyones been in a 747




Whats the mating call of a blonde?


"hello"




Why do blondes wear hoop earings?


Gives them somewhere to put their feet?



How do u know when a blondes having a bad day???


Shes got a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil

[Lavish]

Did you hear the joke about the bucket which had a hole in it??

No?

Oh, it was empty.


=] hahahhhhahaaa

[daimonson1024]

thats almost as bad as this one:



Whats brown and sticky?




a STICK!

[VCobra]

Umm Jem wtf lol

I'll do my standard joke, How do you make a pool table laugh?

Stick ya hands in its pockets and tickle its balls!

[daimonson1024]

What do u call an anorexic with a yeast infection??



A quarter pounder with cheese




A lady went to her gaenocologist and said she was due for her pap smear, The gaeno said "ok ill take a look"


While the gaeno was taking a look he said "my god you have a big vagina my god you have a big vagina"

lady: "you didnt have to say it twice"

Gaeno: "i didnt" :|

[GreekStyle]

2 gay greeks laying in bed one turns to the other and says i think its time we went back to greece, greek 2 says whats wrong with vaseline?

[Bob]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet

came out ! '

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[SAKI]

lol ^^ nice one